I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
