I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Randomize
