you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
