Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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