he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
