everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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