I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
