for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
