mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
