trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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