why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
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