I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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