sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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