Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
