I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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