On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
