the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
