so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
