my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
