I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
