god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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