I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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