apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
please come you make the beer taste better
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
