she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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