i can't believe i had my finger in that
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
