Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
