It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
