my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Randomize
