Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
