I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
