I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
