it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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