ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
