Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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