well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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