all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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