oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
