also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
