So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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