WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
