Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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