I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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