I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Randomize
