There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Randomize
