I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
