just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
