Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
