You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I fill condoms, not promises.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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