Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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