I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
