please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
