you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
