i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
