Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
