Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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