I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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