Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize