Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
if only i could text you this smell
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
