he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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