I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
