M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
